Oct. 17th, 2006 02:01 pm
enfantil: (thumb)
[personal profile] enfantil
Over on the dailydiapers board, I posted something today that I thought I might expand on and crosspost here.

Someone had mentioned that his girlfriend was perfectly accepting of his interests, and even willing to participate with him... but it wasn't working for him, because he had these overwhelming feelings of self-consciousness. It reminded me of how my wife helped me start to get over my old feelings of shame, back when we'd only been married a few years....

We'd been going out for only a few months when she smilingly asked me in bed one night, "So what's your weirdest fantasy?" I froze for a moment, and then told her that it was just too embarrassing and weird, and I hoped she didn't mind, but I was never going to tell her that. She said that was okay, and we changed the subject. The topic came up a few other times over the next several months, and I always firmly steered away from it. But finally, after we'd been living together for a year and a half or so, I found her copies of the Nancy Friday books about sexual fantasies... and skimming through them, figured out that if she liked reading these books, then she might not be totally horrified if I told her what I fantasized about. And so, excited but terrified, I confessed my fantasies to her.

I use the word "confessed" on purpose, there. I was still so ashamed in those days, there was no way I could spin it as a positive thing. I told her about my fantasies as if I were telling her I'd strangled her puppy. That first night I didn't even tell her I'd actually acted on my fantasies (though I gather she guessed)--I was still too ashamed of that. She was somewhat disquieted by my tone--she couldn't see what was wrong with this, but she figured if I was so upset about it, there must be something... but, in the meantime, she didn't see the harm, and she appreciated how turned on I was.

So, she didn't object to diaper play. A little at a time, I let her know more and more about my activities, and even built up enough courage to keep a small package of diapers in the closet. But, for the next few years, whenever she tried to participate with me, it always went badly awry. It would be extremely exciting for me, but afterward, I felt so ashamed for having let her see this side of me, a side I couldn't believe she didn't despise, that I'd get withdrawn, avoidant, and sullen. Our sex life would be terrible for days or even weeks afterward, and she came to resent me for it. And I'd try to stuff down my infantilist feelings, and suffer the inevitable consequences of self-repression.

Things were still good in other ways, and we stayed together, and got married, but sex was really not working, and my cycle of shame kept poisoning things for both of us. Finally, one night, she calmly confronted me about it. It was a real drag for her to have to deal with my feelings of shame all the time, and she wanted us to work on it. With couples counseling, if necessary. Or else.

In retrospect I'm a little surprised that I responded so well that night. She must have phrased things very delicately and reassuringly, because instead of panicking--which would have been typical of me--I opened up and discussed things with her far more freely than I usually did. I've forgotten most of the places the conversation went, but I do remember explaining that the reason I withdrew from her was that I was so accustomed to hiding when I wore diapers--not letting myself be seen by anyone else--because, to me, liking to wear diapers meant I was a freak. And I hated feeling like a freak. "I wish when I wore diapers, I could just once feel normal," I said.

She picked up on that, and suggested we brainstorm on ways to help me feel more normal. An idea came to me, and I was a little hesitant to mention it, but I decided to go ahead anyway. I said, "Well... what if, for a while, I wore diapers as a routine thing? Whether I was in the mood for them or not?"

"What kind of routine?"

"Well, like... what if I wore diapers to bed every night, even if I didn't really want to?"

"Hmmmm... How would that help?"

"I was thinking, it might sort of demystify them... make me feel more used to them, outside of the sexual context. And then maybe I could sort out the shame feelings without the sex feelings confusing me. I dunno, maybe it's a dumb idea."

She thought that over for a moment, and then she got very decisive. "Okay, yes," she said, "that's what you're going to do." I started to speak and she cut me off. "Go get a diaper. Now."

"... Really?"


So that's what we did. I wore a diaper that night, and we talked some more and negotiated some basic rules. I made a commitment to stick to this, and she made a commitment to hold me to it if I tried to squirm out of it (which I had warned her I probably would do).

Sure enough, I felt really weird and creepy in the morning, as usual, and I really didn't feel like going ahead with it the next night, but when bedtime came, it was, "Go get a diaper and lie down."

And the third day, well, I didn't feel so weird and creepy. And the fourth day, even less, and within a week or two, exactly as I'd hoped, I'd come to feel that wearing diapers in front of her was normal. Still sexy, of course, but normal. And after that, we were able to start incorporating more mommy/baby play into our relationship without me freaking out and withdrawing anymore.

The arrangement lasted almost a year, and then we went on a three-week vacation and it seemed a little scary to bring diapers along, so we switched to it being a sometimes thing instead of an every-night thing. (I sometimes wish I'd been a little braver on that vacation, but so it goes.) But I never really felt ashamed of being seen by her as an infantilist anymore. Sometimes there's still a little self-consciousness--like I was saying in yesterday's post about the diaper store, those old feelings probably never go away entirely--but nothing like before. I still had a lot of healing to do, and I'm probably still not done with it yet... but that's how my wife helped me break the fever.

Date: 2006-10-18 11:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you so much for puting this out there. I'm in a place right now where I really needed to read this. Thanks. :)

Date: 2006-10-19 01:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you for saying that. I figure the things I post here generally just get lost in the ether, so I'm glad to know this was helpful to someone!

Can I ask you what the place is that you're in right now?

Date: 2007-03-02 02:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
can i friend you? that story is really amazing. your wife must be really super understanding...ive been in a relationship with this guy i really love for over 3 years now and i still dont have to guts to tell him. I wish i could, but i feel exactly like you said, like being this way makes me a freak...and im just too ashamed to tell him...but anyway, reading this made me feel a little better about it, thanks for sharing!

Date: 2007-03-23 07:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Sure you can friend me! (I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner.)

I don't post very often, though...

Date: 2007-03-23 07:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
And by the way... you're not a freak.


enfantil: (Default)

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