Jan. 10th, 2008

enfantil: (baby pin)
I've been under a lot of strain this past past week, for various reasons too boring to get into.

I've noticed a pattern in myself at times of major stress... I turn into a bit of a control freak, and get taciturn and withdrawn. I'm utterly uninterested in being playful or silly or sexual or anything. Kind of a jerk, actually.

Then, sometimes, if the stressful period goes on for too long, I'll get rather childish, not entirely in a good way. Part of me wants to change into a diaper and baby out, and the other part of me is still being controlling and doesn't want to admit that I want any such thing. So I don't act on the desire. I sometimes even, very stupidly, start to feel resentment toward my wife for not somehow reading my mind and knowing what I want and making me wear a diaper, and get very whiny and annoying. (In really extreme stress situations, like after my father died or when my wife first got pregnant with our child, it's gone so far that I actually lost control momentarily and regressed--like the baby side of me saying yes, you WILL pay attention to me, RIGHT NOW. One time I even had a public wetting accident.)

Of course, nothing like that's happening to me this week. I'm completely in control.

So a little while ago I was reading a post on dailydiapers, and a woman AB was saying that when she's dropping into little mode and she needs to let her partner know but doesn't feel able to say so verbally, she'll suck her thumb (or, in public, bite the tip of her thumb) as a signal. And I was thinking that I'm not really like that. And then suddenly I noticed the position I was sitting in at that very moment... laptop on my lap, right hand on the trackpad, tip of my left thumb in my mouth. I have no idea how long I'd been sitting that way!

It's interesting to realize I can regress in subtle ways without noticing it.

I think I should mention this to mommy so she can watch for it in the future. :)

I also think I should probably go get a diaper on and nip this stupid cycle in the bud.


enfantil: (Default)

June 2009

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